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Basic, Bold and Bizarre Predictions for Steelers vs. 49ers

With the Steelers finally playing a Week 1 game in the Steel City after a lengthy home hiatus to kick off a new season, there is an alarming array of excitement for the 2023 Steelers. With a host of new faces in steel places, the Steelers have a tough task in the form of the 49ers from Frisco. With that comes a whole lotta predictions and SCN needed somebody with the integrity and foresight to do it. When all 19 of them declined, they called their resident Nostradumbass to perform the task. After agreeing to the steep demands of the greedy author, the powers-that-be at SCN agreed to finance an Arby’s Beef-n-Cheddar (just the sandwich, no curly fries or a drink) for the deed to get done weekly. The following are predictions, some basic, some bold and some absolutely bizarre.

  • Reprising his epic action of that fateful day in 2014 when he kicked Cleveland punter Spencer Lanning in the piehole, a former Steeler and unwelcome trespasser, Antonio Brown, rushes the field in the first quarter and attempts a super kick of 49er booter Mitch Wishnowsky. The move fails, but the disgraced AB shows off his moves and evades security and disappears into the Iron City afternoon.
  • Kenny Pickett is sacked only thrice on the afternoon, twice by the returning Nick Bosa. However, Big Ken throws for 245 yards and two scoring passes against San Fran and ends the contest clean by throwing the ball to the right-colored jersey.
  • Diontae Johnson does not catch one of those TD passes from KP8 but catches nine balls for 81 yards on the day.
  • Darnell “Mount” Washington scores his first-ever NFL TD and celebrates the accomplishment and the 94th birth anniversary of golfing great/Latrobe legend Arnold Palmer by grabbing a cup of lemonade from one fan and a bottle of iced tea from a camera operator and downing the golfer’s signature drink like a gallon of Penzoil going through a funnel into a thirsty lawn tractor.
  • Former Steelers OC Randy Fichtner is escorted out of the stadium in the second quarter by leading the crowd in a stirring rendition of South Park’s “Blame Canada” after a three-and-out.
  • Patrick Peterson’s prophecy becomes a reality when he secures the game’s only turnover of the day with an interception of Brock Purdy.
  • Pressley Harvin III puts on a kicking display and booms a punt for 60+ and averaging 48-yards per punt on the day.
  • Najee Harris and Jaylen Warren don’t penetrate the plane of the goal line but combine for over 130 yards against a tough defense.
  • The Steelers get three sacks on the day, T.J. Watt gets two and Cam Heyward garners one to go into a second-place tie on the all-time sacks list for the black and gold, one behind leader James Harrison’s 80.5.
  • Chris Boswell is a perfect four-for-four with a 51-yard field goal.
  • George Pickens goes for 88 yards and a touchdown.
  • Christian McCaffrey is held to under-100 yards but scores for the visitors. Elijah Mitchell and Deebo Samuel get in as well.
  • The underdog Steelers win 26-24 when rookie Jake Moody shanks the game-winning attempt to the right in the final seconds.
  • Mike Tomlin unleashes a new Tomlinism in the post-game presser, inspiring his wife, Kiya, to create a new t-shirt.

Will any of this actually happen? I’ll bet at least one or two. Heck, maybe every one of them. Be sure to post your predictions — basic or bizarre — below.

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